Transformers 2: Another Summer Bust

After being let down by both Star Trek and Terminator 4, I was pretty upset when Transformers was the worst of the three. I kept thinking this summer was going to bring some great films. Turns out, they were just big films. Big, disappointing films. There were so many issues I had with Transformers, I may not remember all of them, but I will try.

So, that said, SPOILER ALERT ahead. Then again, you can’t really spoil something that’s already gone sour.

Ok, I’m just gonna dive in. I can’t stand Megan Fox. I cringe every time she is on the screen. Also, the little tagalong, sidekick character (Sam’s new college roommate) is absolutely, completely obnoxious. However, the Autobot twins in the film that are supposed to bring some sort of urban humor to the film are even more obnoxious. I wasn’t offended, just certainly annoyed. I don’t find “urbanized” characters funny in the slightest. (They are not quite, but nearly as annoying as Jar Jar Binks…yep) With lines like, “I’ma poppa a cap in yo azz” and “Daz cuz you a pussy” in Wayan’s brothers kind of annoying voices…I am not amused.

Another issue…I quickly grew tired of the sexual “humor” in this film. From the shots of Megan Fox in her little outfits and her changing clothes, and the sexual talk…also the girl that throws herself all over Sam. Too much. And, very nearly all the punchlines in this film were so terrible, I think I only smirked twice throughout the movie. The humor just wasn’t funny.Very much of it was immature, potty mouth humor…certainly too filthy for the kids you know will be piling in to see this movie. This is a film based on a kids toy and a cartoon show to go with that toy! There’s no reason for it to have that kind of dirty jokes and sexuality. I’d say it was pushing PG-13. And the shot of Jon Turturro’s butt was completely gross and unnecessary! It just was not fun.

Another thing…the college chick that throws herself all over Sam and then turns out to be a robot who tries to…well, I don’t really know…probe him with her tail? Where the hell did this Deceptacon come from?! Did we suddenly switch universes? I thought this was Transformers, not Terminator. Random, unexplained, Deceptacon that can transform into a human…ok then…so…they needed some kind of sexual tension between Shia and Megan…some sort of new college love triangle possibility, while also sticking to the Deceptacons going after Sam, and decided this would be a perfect fit for the film. Really. Stupid.

And the whole, Blackbird space travel thing with Sam and the gang…where did that come from? Apparently we’re in the Star Trek universe now…but, “we had to get them to Egypt some how”…

The whole part of the plot that was focused on Megatron being the only one who could defeat the Fallen was well, pathetic. I won’t go into detail…trust me, it’s just sad.

There’s more…

The film itself is over two hours. It has the simplest plot, but takes over two hours to conclude it. Yes…you can feel the length of the film. I don’t mind the fight scenes, but they’re very hard to see…I mean, detail-wise, who’s punching who, who’s winning or losing…all very jumbled. Which, I guess is why they ramp down on some of the shots to get a slow-mo of limbs breaking, etc, but it still doesn’t seem to be all that helpful. Still, it’s all fairly boring to me…I’ve just never been a big fan of long CG fights…but, it’s Transformers…it’s to be expected. So, if you get tired of watching CGI robots fight, don’t go see this film.

There was so much unrealistic scenerios as well. I realize it is Transformers, but…the whole, catastrophic damage to cities caused by giant robots trying to be covered up by the government is kinda crazy. Our military moves very unrealistically in this film…another “that’s to be expected…it’s a Michael Bay film”. Like when Turturro randomly calls a ship from a walkie, while standing on a pyramid in Egypt, and demands he fire a missle at a Deceptacon on top of the pyramid. No, he has no clearance, nor does the officer have any knowledge of who he is…yes, of course it happens…the missle is fired cause it has to be.

There’s probably more I could write…but, I’m gonna call it a night.

I will leave you with this. If you were all excited and plan to go see Transformers this weekend…don’t.

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